ENGLISH IS SUCH A WACKY LANGUAGE

This interesting text was used by VOA’s Peter Heinlein in the introduction to his lecture (to be printed in the upcoming issue).

There’s no EGG in eggplant, nor HAM in hamburger, neither APPLE nor PINE in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England, or French fries in France.

SWEETMEATS are candies, while SWEETBREADS – which aren’t sweet – are MEAT.

We take English for granted. But – if we explore its paradoxes – we find that QUICKSAND can work slowly – BOXING RINGS are square – and a GUINEA PIG is neither from Guinea – nor is it a pig.

And why is it that WRITERS WRITE – but FINGERS don’t FING. GROCERS don’t GROCE? And HAMMERS don’t HAM.

If the plural of TOOTH is TEETH – why isn’t the plural of BOOTH – BEETH?

If the plural of MOUSE is MICE – why isn’t the plural of HOUSE – HICE?

One GOOSE, two GEESE. So – one MOOSE – why not two MEESE?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make AMENDS – but not one AMEND.

That you can comb through the ANNALS of history, but not through a single ANNAL.

If you have a bunch of ODDS AND ENDS – and you get rid of all but one of them – what do you call IT?

If teachers taught – why didn’t preachers PRAUGHT?

If a VEGETARIAN eats VEGETABLES – what does a HUMANITARIAN eat?

If you WROTE a letter – perhaps you BOTE your tongue?

(BIT, BITE, BOTE?)

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to any asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play – and play at a recital? SHIP by truck – and send cargo by SHIP?

Have NOSES that run – and FEET that smell?

How can a SLIM CHANCE and a FAT CHANCE – be the same?

Why are a WISE MAN – and WISE GUY – opposites?

How can OVERLOOK and OVERSEE be opposites? While QUITE A LOT and QUITE A FEW – are alike?

How can the weather be HOT AS HELL one day, and COLD AS HELL the next?

Have you ever noticed that we can talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a HORSEFUL CARRIAGE? Or a STRAPFUL GOWN?

Met a SUNG HERO? – Or experienced REQUITED LOVE?

Have you ever run into someone who was COMBOBULATED? – GRUNTLED? RULY? – or PECCABLE?

And where are all those people who ARE Spring chickens – or who WOULD hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can BURN UP – as it BURNS DOWN. In which you FILL IN a form by FILLING IT OUT. And in which an alarm clock GOES OFF by GOING ON.

English was invented by people, not computers – and it reflects the creativity of the human race, (which of course isn’t a RACE at all).

That is why, when the STARS ARE OUT, they are VISIBLE – but when the LIGHTS ARE OUT, they are INVISIBLE.

And why – when I wind up my watch – I START IT, but when I wind up this essay, I END IT!!!